In my book, this week was not a good one. I am just not communicating with Zachary in a way that’s up to my standards as a parent. Growing up with a younger brother with Down syndrome, I always felt that I was going into this motherhood business armed with more wisdom than most. I was six when Nicholas was born, and with both parents as teachers, I was taught early on to work with him on motor skills and language development, and to deal with difficult behavioral issues in the most productive ways possible. I was a little mommy at age 6. For the record, Zachary is not up there with the most oppositional…at least not yet. But, he is two, and two is just two.
So, I must say that I have been humbled more often than not in the past two years. Being a mother seems to be much different than being a sister. Surprise, surprise. Lately I have been in a bit of a slump, and have found myself lacking creativity with my parenting. The worst part about having the knowledge and tools to handle a situation, is watching myself not actually apply them. I have been slipping into what I like to call the “high voice”, which on the surface is calm and centered, but is slightly psychotic as it's disconnected from any truthful emotion. And, Zachary, God bless him, seems to be tuned into every subtle shift in my energy, no matter how well masked I believe it to be. There is no wiggle room for my moods or any distractions of any kind. So my recent responses and handlings with him have only served to encourage the undesirable behavior to the ‘nth degree, and invite the not so nice girl in my head to chime in and say things like, “Really? That’s how you’re choosing to approach this one? Wow. I feel sorry for your kids. ” And that is the watered down version. She is extremely judgmental, and try as I may to put her on friendship silence, she refuses to stop talking.
Anyway, I’m going to chalk it up to an energy lull and start fresh tomorrow. I can do better. Isn’t that what Mondays are for?